To the asshole who robbed us.

I don’t even know what I want to say to you.  All I know is I need to say something.  You need to be aware of the damage you caused with your unjustified and selfish actions.  You hurt us.  You hurt me.  You changed my life in an instant, and for what?

I don’t know you and you in turn do not know me.  I do not know what lead you to the decision you made when you thought coming into my bank with a gun was the best course of action.  I do not know your intentions.  I only know how I felt, what I thought and how I now feel.  So let me explain to you how you impacted my life the day we met.

I was having a perfectly lovely day at work. It was slower then usual and that left plenty of time for chatting and laughing with the women I work with about our lives, school, wedding planning, wanting babies etc. I was enjoying my day and felt happy.  I went for my lunch in the park as usual, went and got myself a coffee and headed back to what I anticipated to be an uneventful afternoon at the bank. I assumed I would chat with my clients, drink my coffee and finish the day as it began – with a smile on my face.  It never crossed my mind that two minutes after returning from lunch my world would be shattered and my smile would turn to tears and fear and anger.

I returned to the branch and sat down at my wicket.  I was just getting everything turned back on and ready for my first after lunch customer. I heard my co-worker say “Melissa is open at the end here she can help you” It was the sound of my name that made me look up and I was not ready for what I saw when I did.  I saw her (my co-worker) with fear in her eyes as you grabbed her in front of me and said “You are coming with me” You held her with one hand and in the other I saw your gun.  In that moment I briefly thought this isn’t real.  I thought I was just seeing things and that this moment that I have feared would happen was really taking place. 

You came around behind me, into my space, into a place that is supposed to feel safe and secure and you violated that.  You immediately made me feel insecure and in awful danger .  I felt like any wrong movement on my part could result in that gun going off.  You must understand I have never been in this situation before, I was not expecting it, I was in complete shock.

You came up right next to me and with a gun pointed in my direction said to “Give you all the money” I of course knew that complying was my only option and all I wanted was for this awful moment to pass so of course I gave you everything I had. You told me to hurry which made sense but it was what you said next that shattered my core and made me feel like this was real and I was in danger. You said “If you give me any dye packs I will blow your fucking head off”.  My world stopped spinning right there and from that moment on I couldn’t move, I didn’t breathe, I just sat paralyzed watching you move from one girl to the next threatening them, stealing from them and filling them with a fear that I knew was similar to mine. Those moments felt like slow motion. 

I watched you shoving money in your jacket, I watched you pulling your gun in and out of your pocket, reminding us that you were in control.  You warned us to stay where we were, and not answer the phone. You threatened our lives.  You stole not just money from the bank you stole our feeling of safety and security.  You stole a piece of myself that I don’t know I will get back.

After you ran off I heard my supervisor say to lock the doors.  I saw the people from upstairs come down and it was only then that I took a breath and realized it was over.  That’s when the tears started.  The fear had worked its way up from the very pit of my stomach into my chest and throat. I felt sick, shaky, violated.  This is not the first time I have feared for my life but this was certainly the most terror I have ever experienced. My whole insides were violently rippling and I felt reality slipping through my fingers as I was handed a pen and paper asking me to identify you. 

When the police arrived, surprisingly quickly, it was then I felt some minor sense of relief.  I knew that for the time being we were all safe and I could let out nervous laughter as we waited for instruction.  We all had to write out a statement and speak with an officer. Now as much as it hurt me to see you threatening my co workers I am glad you took your time visiting each one of us as it gave me enough time to memorize your face, to notice all the details that could in any way help to identify you.  

Interestingly enough when the officer read my statement he told me it was very well written and he wished everyone gave statements like me.  Yes, I pay attention to detail.  I am a writer its what we do. 

The branch closed for the rest of the afternoon and we were sent home to process what just happened.  Ross had come home early that day, to my surprise and relief, and as soon as I was in the door I just wanted to be in his arms and cry. I needed to feel some sense of security. 

I then had to explain to my boyfriend that I had a man point a gun at me today.  I had to call and tell my parents through tears that I was alright - they will never be happy about me working at the bank again – and I had to tell myself that everything was okay, that I was okay, that it was alright to cry because that was terrifying.  Unfortunately, now comes the hard part, the part where life has to continue after this horror you put us all through. 

I went into work the next morning.  I didn’t know what else to do.  I didn’t want to be there but honestly I didn’t know not going to work was even an option.  I mean I have only been working here for 2 months so in my mind I was scared I would lose the job if I didn’t come in.  This thought was also stressful because in those few hours after everything happened I didn’t know if I ever wanted to return to the job anyway – I still don’t.  However, I went in and immediately felt ill.  The tears were ever present and I knew I needed to get the hell out.

I did speak to the work counsellor that day and as lovely and friendly as she was I didn’t feel like she helped at all.  All she wanted to do was give me coping mechanisms and all I wanted to do was talk about what happened.  I have been dealing with panic and anxiety my whole life – trust me I know how important it is to breathe.  She kept saying things like “He probably didn’t want to hurt you” “You should know he only wanted money” Well when someone points a gun at me I don’t give a shit if their intention is to hurt me or not, I only care about the fact that there is a gun on me and I could die.  I do not feel comforted by the fact that maybe you didn’t have any bullets or maybe you just wanted us to feel afraid. 

All I thought about while I was looking at you and your gun was that I do not want to die.  And all it takes is one second for you to pull the trigger and my life is over.  So fuck you.  Fuck you for coming into my work and threatening us, for terrifying us, for making us feel small and insignificant.  Fuck you for thinking you could point a gun at us and just run away leaving us here to deal with the consequences.  You may not have physically hurt me but you left mental and emotional open wounds and I do not know if or when they will heal. 

You left me in a state of panic and anxiousness that has yet to pass – its been a full week now since the incident and I still can’t sleep.  My chest is tight, I am in a constant state of confusion, and feel like I might vomit at any given moment.  I feel lost.  I feel sad and angry.  I feel cheated and wronged.  I feel like you have ruined a mental state I have worked so hard to achieve.  I feel like I need therapy.  I feel like I need medication to keep me clam.  I feel so fucking furious. 

I assume you have not even thought of me once since you threatened me but here I am thinking about you all day and all night for the past week.  I am uncomfortable at my job because every time the door opens I feel the panic rise up from my stomach and I think I will be sick.  My hands shake so bad I can’t type the numbers fast enough to be efficient.  I am scared of every person who walks in the door and comes to talk to me.  I worry they will hurt me - I worry they are you. 

Yesterday a man walked in and when I saw him reach into his pocket and I knew he had a gun. I thought I would pass out from the fear that took over my body.  I wanted to run but was completely paralyzed. The tears filled my eyes and I just watched him get closer to me.  Then he pulled his hand out of his pocket and put his hydro bill on the counter in front of me and asked to pay it.  THIS ISNT FAIR.  

Sometimes I do not even know how I am at work.  I am not happy or comfortable.  I do not feel safe.  Hell two other people haven’t come back.  So what the fuck am I doing there?  I guess I was hoping that just being there would help the anxiety to pass.  I have worked too hard on myself to let you, some piece of trash, decide how my life is going to go.  You do not get to have that much control or power over my world.   

An email was sent out a couple days ago at work that informed us you have not only terrorized and robbed us but two other branches as well.  Reading that message made me angry and afraid all over again.  I hoped you had been caught or at least fled town.  I hoped we were the only victims of your cowardly actions. Now I am left to wonder if you will return.  Was it just too easy to get what you wanted from a few small women whose lives you were threatening?  

I don’t know what will happen to you, if you will get caught or if you will just keep on terrorizing people and being a complete shitbag.  I hope eventually karma catches up to you.  I hope you get everything you deserve in this life. I hope you regret what you did and even if you are not caught you never do something like this again.  And I hope that someday soon I can close my eyes without seeing you.

Post Writing

I finally decided I needed to take some time off work to re-evaluate what I am doing and how I am feeling.  I am seeing a DR on my own since the work appointed therapists take up to a month to give us PHONE counselling.  I was told by my manager that asking for the time off was bad timing and they wouldn’t pay me for it.  Oh I am sorry is my needing some time to get my head straight inconvenient for you? Well having a man threaten to kill me was inconvenient for me.  I did my best.  I went to work for a week after the incident and I tired to push through it.  I know now that what I need is time.  Time to relax and make sense of my thoughts, to de-stress and figure out if the bank is truly where I want to be.  To try and assess whether or not I will ever feel comfortable in that line of work.  I don’t know what revelations this week or so will bring me or if I will even feel better at all but I am not giving up on myself.  I worked too hard to get to a place where I mentally feel good and happy to let an incident like this or a desire to not disappoint my coworkers ruin my stability.  I have to put myself first.  My health and safety is more important than any job.