If you had ever asked me how I felt about a cesarean before I became pregnant my answer would have been absolutely sign me up! Why would I ever want to push a human being out of my vagina?! It blew my mind that anyone would ever choose to give birth “naturally” when this was an option. However, once I actually became pregnant I instantly changed my mind. Quite literally the moment I saw the test come back positive I wanted nothing more than a “natural” birth. With my entire being I knew that feeling every moment of this pregnancy and birth was what I wanted more than anything.
Now this being said I was very aware that our desires for labour and birth are just that, desires, and things do not always go as we hope. I was told when making the birth plan that I should call it the “birth hopes” because anything can happen and you do not want to be disappointed or feel like you failed in some way. I have always believed that having a safe and healthy birth is the most important thing so you have the baby the way that it needs to happen. So I knew that although I wanted it to go a specific way I needed to be prepared for it to go completely differently.
I KNEW THIS.
I still wasn’t prepared.
Honestly, I just never considered that I would need an emergency C section. I knew this was possible, but I dismissed the idea and believed it wouldn’t happen to me. Looking back I think I just wanted my labour and birth to be a certain way so badly that I tried to just will it to be so. My magic is unfortunately not that powerful and I ended up in the hospital having my baby cut out of my stomach feeling lost and completely caught off guard.
All my planning for Olivias entry to the world went out the window. I had planned my labour. I would start by having a bath with relaxing music and breathing through the pain. Ross and I would head to the hospital when the contractions told us we were ready. My midwife Kate would greet us, and I would get through the pains of labour with Ross there to guide me, rub my back and talk me through each moment of beautiful agony. After she emerged I would hold her on my chest and we would bond as mother and daughter.
I knew it would hurt, a pain I couldn’t even imagine, but I wanted it. I wanted to feel her entry from my womb. For me being able to carry and birth a child is a sacred and magical ability. Not everyone gets to have the experience of bringing a child into the world through their bodies and I felt grateful to be given the opportunity. I wanted to feel it all.
The universe had other plans.
It began on Friday afternoon. I had started to feel ill, like I was coming down with the flu. I was cold and unable to get warm, I felt slightly nauseous and my skin hurt. I was also having some mild cramping. I had been to the hospital the day before for a sweep to try and induce labour and I had read that many women start to feel ill before they go into labour, so I didn’t think much of it. I assumed my baby was beginning her journey into the world. By evening it started to feel much worse.
Overnight I had a bout of fever and chills. It was so intense that Ross had to actually hold me down because I was convulsing so hard. I soaked the bed in sweat and had a pile of blankets on me to deal with the cold. By morning I had gotten myself into the tub and tried to relax. We called Kate and told her what happened. I didn’t have a fever at the time so she said to just monitor the situation and call her in a couple hours.
I then spent the next few hours in and out of sleep and don’t remember a lot only that I was unable to be fully awake and I was slightly delirious. Fever and chills plagued me and eventually I was back in the tub trying to calm myself down while Ross got in touch with Kate again. We knew something was wrong.
She asked us to come to the hospital for an assessment. I no longer believed I was going into labour, despite the contractions, I thought I was just sick and after treatment I would be sent home to wait for labour to have progressed farther along. We did however bring the hospital bags because unbeknownst to me Ross knew we were going to be having the baby one way or another. I suppose part of me was trying to convince myself that this wasn’t really happening because I was terrified.
We checked in, I was put in a bed and they began an intravenous drip of antibiotics which I would end up staying on for 53 hours. I was informed Olivias heart rate was too high and if they couldn’t get it under control we would just have to have the baby. I knew she meant a cesarean but at that moment I was too worried about my baby to care that things were going this way. It was only afterwards that the disappointment hit me.
Not even an hour after we arrived I was being taken to the operating room. Now I do want to say that as scary as this was the OB, the nurses and the anesthesiologist were amazing. They did everything they could to make me feel comfortable, safe and well looked after. Well, that is after informing me that because I had some unknown infection that being given a spinal could result in me getting meningitis. So as if this whole situation wasn’t frightening enough I was now certain I would end up with a brain disease.
So here I am in this insanely bright room, with ten other people and zero chill. As I sat listening to them discuss my situation as though I wasn’t there Kate came over and held my hands. She put her forehead on mine and told me to focus on her and pretend we were on a beach somewhere. That seemingly small gesture was huge and I will be forever grateful she was there in the room with me. We then began the procedure.
I had to sit up on the table with a pillow to hug as they stuck the needle in my spine. It wasn’t pleasant. They all laughed at me because I have a ton of tattoos but am not a fan of needles. I made sure to tell them the tattoos only make me appear badass, its all about the street cred. Almost immediately a numbness travelled from my toes all the way up to my chest leaving me with a feeling of breathlessness. This, if you know my anxiety, caused more panic then the catheter I knew they were inserting and the fact that they were about to cut my stomach open and pull out a tiny human.
I had Ross on my left and Kate on my right, holding my hands and calmly telling me how amazing I was doing, as though there was an option to be doing anything differently. I couldn’t move. I could however feel that a scene from a horror movie was happening behind the blue sheet. There was no pain but I did feel the pushing and pulling and eventual removal of the little creature who had been inhabiting my body for the past 41 weeks.
I heard a tiny cry, and that was it, I was a mother. It all happened so fast. They brought her to me and placed her on my chest for only a moment. Since I couldn’t move my arms to hold her Ross was the one who got to cradle our daughter to his bare chest. It is a moment I will cherish in my memory forever. Seeing the man I love holding our baby for the first time. Seeing her face for the first time. Nothing will ever feel as beautiful as that moment did.
For 40 weeks and 5 days I had carried our child inside my body, my womb was her first home. Now here she was, no longer a part of my body but my heart on the outside. We were now two separate beings and that gave me a sense of loneliness that I never expected. With this enormous wave of love came an emptiness I didn’t know how to fill.
After Olivia had been cleaned up and thoroughly checked out she was placed in my arms and we were finally wheeled into a calmer more dimly lit room where I could gaze at her perfect little face and begin breastfeeding. She latched immediately, and I was thrilled (I didn’t know the issues that would arise) and momentarily the empty feelings ceased.
Ross called our parents and my sister to share our news and for a few moments I was alone with her. I couldn’t believe I was looking into the face of the child we had created, this little being I had spent so many long days and nights wanting to know. I finally got to meet her. I worried a lot during my pregnancy that I wouldn’t have a bond with her or love her right away. To clarify, I loved her while she was inside me but it was more of a protective love, like I knew I was solely responsible for her safety. I was excited and felt connected to her but how could I be in love with someone I had never met?
But the very moment I felt her energy in the room I discovered a love I didn’t know existed before her. How could I have known? Bringing a life into the world was a beautiful and sacred experience. My womb was the gateway between worlds. Her energy was created inside my body and now lives in the world affecting all it encounters and bringing with it pure and divine love.
What a precious gift the universe had bestowed upon us.
