I cannot tell you how many times I have written and deleted
this. I am actually screaming at
myself inside my head and fighting back tears because I am in public and too
many people have already seen me cry in my life. I don’t need a bunch of strangers in a coffee
shop staring at the crazy girl spilling tears in her tea while staring at a
blank screen.
How embarrassing.
So instead I bite the inside of my mouth -which is already
wounded and sore from all the previous attempts to keep myself under control
-and I breathe. I breathe deeply and
precisely, breathe in counting until five and release counting to six. Do this at least ten times.
Shit…
I think I might have miscounted so that throws the whole
thing off. Start again from the
beginning. Breathe in count until five
and release counting to six. Do this at
least ten times.
Melissa you need to pull it together girl. Get your shit
straight and stop with this nonsense.
Melissa seriously why cant you just be fucking calm for once in your
life? Why must you sit and obsess over
every detail? Stop worrying about that
thing you said five years ago to that person who likely does not even remember
you let alone the interaction. It
doesn’t matter anymore.
Let it go.
Melissa are you listening to me?
Let it go.
As the sweat starts to bead on every inch of my surface and
the heat overwhelms my senses my eyes glaze over and I think I might be sick. Why did I drink that tea now I need to use
the toilet, but how can I possibly go to the washroom right now? I would have to walk past all these people
and you know they will all look at me. I
will absolutely fall down or trip or god forbid I actually make it there
without incident then the people just wait for me to exit the washroom and
watch me walk back to my seat. What if there is someone in there already and I have to just stand at the door like an idiot waiting? What if the lock is broken? How many times will I have to check it to be sure?
I can’t
handle that pressure.
Not knowing. The suspense kills me.
...
And this is how it goes for longer than I care to
admit. My thoughts spiral out of control
and although I am certain nobody here even notices me I cannot dismiss the
thought that everyone here is watching me and they all know. They know I am holding on by a thread. They watch and wait for the moment my scream
is out loud. All it will take is one
single tear to escape and its all over.
….
So hear I sit, now half hour later, and perhaps the fear has
subsided - perhaps. One can never be too
careful though since the fear is well known for its ability to hide just around
the corner waiting for the exact right, and wrong, moment to jump out and smack
me in the face again. I have learned to
never let my guard down, to always be prepared for the bitch to tap me on the
shoulder and smile as I crumble.
Fear, she is a motherfucker.
All I ever wanted to do was write and honestly I do not know
if I no longer care or if the fear is keeping me from accomplishing
anything. She comes in many forms of
thought and emotion but at the end of the day it all stems back to her. Fear of rejection, fear of failure, fear of
success, fear of death, fear of life, fear of no longer being afraid. I am scared all the time of everything. It is mentally and physically
exhausting. To know a day without fear
would be surreal.
...
So here I sit staring at these words wondering what to do
with them. Do I just delete them like I
do the rest of the garbage I produce or do I go forward with them and hope for
something, anything to come from them?
Maybe this time I will actually let people read it instead
of letting the fear get in the way…
… Maybe…
Just breathe Melissa.
Just breathe.
Yours cruelly,
Melissa
(Spoken in Stardust)
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